Dara (goddessofdreams) wrote,

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inner change

Ok, as promised, here's what happened with Richard. About 3 weeks ago, Richard seemed like he was in deep, dark though. (he often still seems that way, too,.. so I'm a little scared) But he seemed like there was something to discuss with me. It was after the whole episode with who was going to room with who, and Beth's assumptions/ lying. At the time I was sitting at home that night, on my bed, when Richard sat down there with me, and Nikita sitting on the couch. We were (rather, they were) chatting and I had the remote, flipping channels. I wasn't saying much and felt weird. Tense. And I didn't even understand it or know that it was what it was. Suddenly when I went through eniough channels, got frustrated/ angry with nothing on to watch, (though angry out of the blue really for another reason) tossed the remote over my shoulder,.. and must have done it to hard,.. Richard and Nikita got quiet. And I discovered I was emotionally distraught,.. but not why. hours later I was crying with Richard and finding that I was sad because I thought Kayla didn't want to room with me,.. and that if I ended up in a room with Beth in the new dorm, we'd hate each other, and I'd be alone for various reasons. It was "ALONE" that upset me. Then we got around to talking about how it was that Kayla probably didn't want to room with me. Until eventually, Richard started telling me about how I turn people off with how I act or talk to them. That I need to be more aware, and considerate of others. And that there were times when he thought of giving up on us because of it. I was really disturbed by these things,.. but I knew they were true. I also knew that these things are because of my unawareness,.. which comes from how I think. But it needed to change. Now I am tying to fix these things. But it's so very hard. With so much going on, it's more to deal with. I have to make conscious effort, reminding myself and stopping myself from saying or doing things. Pushing myself to do more for others. But I often forget, and the going is slow. And I'm always wondering if what I am saying is ok,... that maybe I should say somthing else or do something else. "Wait, was that too pushy? Maybe I shouldn't have asked." Goes through my head. But the truth is that I need this. To be a better person. And when I cried after Richard told me, what hurt most was that I knew that those faults were so very true, and I never wanted to face it before.
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